Picture of the week ~ Fall caterpillars

Tent anxiety

There are times in life when we say "finally, it's about time".
This has been one of those years for me.
I spoke of my years of anxiety that began in 1999 with my first full blown panic attack from a claustrophobic night at Yellowstone in THIS POST, from April 2011.
It's been a slow journey to get back to camping in a tent and feeling comfortable at night. My claustrophobia and uneasiness in the dark have persisted. I've had some really good experiences at car camping with large groups of people at campgrounds the last few years, but we hadn't been doing much camping where we were a long way from civilization or in very dark areas. Whenever we'd been camping I was always wanting it to be in open areas and hoping for bright night skies - full moon preferable with lots of stars, like the Tall Pines campground near the Yakima river canyon.

 This summer when we were camping on our river rafting trip on the Main Salmon river we had it all - the moon was full and the stars were bright. The first few nights we slept out under the stars "no tent".

The only reason we moved into a tent on that trip was because the no see-ums were trying to eat us alive. We didn't put up the rain fly and I could still see the beautiful sky through the mesh ceiling. We were "FAR" away from civilization and I was the most comfortable I've been camping for a long, long time.

The river trip was 7 nights, the most I'd been camping for years.
We decided to pursue our love of camping again and plan some trips. Our Mt. Rainier trip came with some challenges that I didn't expect. We had fully intended to backpack again. The weather changed those plans, so we opted for day trips from the campground. We had rain nearly every night, and it was very cold at night. That meant no moon, no stars and the rain fly needed to be attached. So much for my "supposed" need to see light at night. Since we were car camping we brought many layers in case it was cold at night. I also learned it wasn't so bad to sleep in a mummy bag, wonder of wonders.
The first night we settled into our sleeping bags and closed the tent door, turned off our headlamps. I felt that old panic and "flee" feeling and thought to myself - wow it's really dark in here. As I was heading towards the tent door to get out, I stopped and thought why yes, it is dark. It's night, it's supposed to be dark. I told my husband what had gone through my head and we laughed and that was it. The spell was broken. I survived 7 nights of rain, with a rain fly, no moon, no stars - I was a multi night tent camper again!

I haven't been in our small backpacking tent since my panic attack in Yellowstone, this last Monday night my husband set it up, put the rain fly on. I slept in comfort and peace in that small dark tent I'd been dreading for so many years. I've even learned to sleep in a mummy bag. We recently purchased one so I would have my own. Since I've had issues with claustrophobia, I thought this was something I would never conquer. I found out they are really cozy on a cold night!

I've been pondering what has produced this big change in me, this ability to do things easily that once seemed too daunting to ever attempt again.
It seems that finishing a Spartan race had changed something in my brain and adopting the Spartan lifestyle has done a lot more for me than a group of counselors, a psychiatrist and 7 years of taking anti-anxiety drugs could not.
It taught me that I can indeed "Spartan up" and live my life again.
It taught me that I can turn my "I cant's into I can's".
For that I'm truly thankful.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"
AROO!