Wow I can't believe 3 years has gone by already.
This was me April 13, 2008 when I set my 3 year goal to lose 80 lbs. I weighed 220 lbs. that day, I couldn't go for long walks without tiring easily. I was depressed, anxious and unhappy. We were watching our youngest son do his first marathon on Whidbey Island. On that day I remembered what it felt like to be fit and run and "enjoy" life and living. I longed for that feeling and for freedom from where I had put myself physically and mentally. I was spending most of my days just sitting in the living room watching T.V. and eating, feeling too anxious to go anywhere or do anything. I have to give credit to what I feel started me in the right direction. I started seeing a naturopath the fall of 2007. In February of 2008, at the advice of the naturopath, I was slowly weaned off of the 40 mg. of Paxil I was taking. His words were "what's the worst thing that could happen? That you'd have to go back on it again? Let's give it a try and see what happens." To go off of my "security blanket" was one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life. He also took me off of my Prempro (synthetic hormones) and switched me to Bioidentical Hormones (natural compounded hormones).
The main reason I had been put on medications to begin with was because of panic attacks that I had started having after a camping trip at Yellowstone in the fall of 1999. I had awoken in the middle of the night feeling extremely claustrophobic and needing to see the light of day desperately. I stayed very anxious even after being at home for several days after the trip, so I went to my primary physician. He prescribed Prozac to see if it would help to calm me down. I continued to have panic attacks and anxiety so I was referred to a counselor, with no results and was then referred to a psychiatrist. After much experimenting with different drugs, including Lexapro, Lithium, and Neurontin, He finally settled on the combination of Abilify and Paxil. I was on the Abilify and Paxil the longest. It's interesting that with all of the drugs I was taking they still didn't help with the depression or paranoia I had begun to feel. The paxil dosage really contributed to my weight gain. At one time I was on a drug cocktail of 7 different drugs. Needless to say I was a mess.
I can easily say that - that visit to the Naturopath's office was the day the sunlight started coming back into my life. It's not easy going off of a drug that takes away your emotions and numbs you to react to life's experiences. As the drug wore off I was overcome many times with what it feels like to have emotions. I spent several weeks crying, well actually sobbing about everything. I forgot that when a person cries, pressure builds in the chest. I thought I was having heart attacks. Little did I know my emotions had been slowly dying all of those years. The awakening of emotions was an eye opening experience that allowed me to understand for the first time just how debilitating a drug like that is. It may serve it's purpose to never let feelings get out of control, but it also never lets the feelings even exists. I am left with a mild case of restless legs syndrome. These are caused from long term neurological drug use. Not a fun leftover of the drug, but an ever constant reminder to me that I NEVER want to be back on that medication ever again. Long story short, it seems my issues were more hormonal than was thought by my other Dr.’s. I was going through menopause. It seems the current mode in the U.S. is to put women on anti-anxiety medication when they suffer from mood changes during menopause. That’s a shame, perhaps their hormone levels should be checked first & they could be put on a supplement (compounded) to fit their individual needs.
I will do all of the work necessary to keep a mentally and physically healthy body.
I decided on a 3 year goal because I felt like it would become a lifestyle change that perhaps I could continue with for the rest of my life, rather than some quick weight loss gimmick. I started by trying to really watch what I ate, walking at the gym and riding the stationary bike, eventually worked my way back into running.
I fell short of my three year goal of 140 lbs, but I did lose a total of 59 lbs.
I will continue to choose to make good choices for a positive mental outlook,
healthy eating and my fitness each day.
This has been the evolution of me - from 220 to 161 lbs.
I will still strive towards my goal.
